https://www.boundaries.me/blog/you-are-not-responsible-for-your-significant-other
Yes, we’ve all sat through the sermons talking about how men are supposed to be the leader, how men are supposed to be great dads, loving husbands, work hard – but not too hard, make money – but don’t let it be a “defining achievement” over family, be romantic, be funny, make dad-jokes as often as possible (even if they’re not funny), …..because after all
THE MAN IS ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THE HOUSE
…..right?
Of course. That’s what we’ve been taught our whole life.
Yes, men. The Bible does tell us to lead. But that never guarantees that anyone will walk that path with us.I’ll never forget the Saturday evening service when Pastor Rick Owen of Pathway Church said, “Men if you don’t want poop in your own yard, build a fence.” At the following Sunday morning service, though, he changed the rhetoric to leave out the word men. But it’s the same line of thinking though.
It’s the mans fault.
He’s ultimately responsible.
Men if you want to be treated like a “King”, then you must treat her like a Queen.
Guys if you want a woman who will “follow”, you must lead.
If the woman isn’t doing ‘xyz’, then ….guys, it’s most assuredly your fault.
Men, if you spend personal time with God & read His Word everyday, then ……
Guys, you should read the Bible with your wife, because then she will ……
Men, if you want your household to Love God, then you should ….
Guys, if you keep your pecker in your pants, then…..
Dads, if you read the Bible with your kids then….
At some point, men, you need to realize that you are not responsible FOR the actions of others!
You are responsible TO your spouse….
You are responsible TO those kiddos….
You should be responsible TO your church….
You can be responsible TO your community….
…but you can NEVER be RESPONSIBLE FOR anyone OTHER THAN Y-O-U!
You need to forgive her when she lies. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for what SHE does.
You need to put distance from the church. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for what they do.
Maybe you need to ask a Judge for more permanent RESTRAINING ORDERS on her actions. You can NOT be socially held against liable for what SHE did every time you leave the house to go out in public.
You can keep your willie in your pants all you want. That doesn’t guarantee that SHE will not have an affair.
You can take care of the kids and be an absolutely awesome dad all you want. That has absolutely ZERO guarantee that she won’t be pissed when you ask her to come to therapy & run around town frantically calling you a horrible monster.
See, you can listen to whatever church sermon that you’d like, interpret any Bible passage, and allow any toxic rhetoric to come into your head, your heart, and your soul.
But at the end of the day, you must realize that you are responsible for you and you only.
Nowhere in the Bible does it every say any type of conditional IF / THEN statement. So why do we continually hear pastor after pastor, week after week, church after church, month after month, and year after year continually speak as though there is some type of “CONDITIONAL” statement?
It’s wrong and it needs to stop.
Men, you can lead. You can read your Bible everyday. You can spend time with the kids. You can keep your pecker in your own pants. You can provide all you want for your family. You can go to church. You can volunteer in the community. You can lead others to Christ and to the church. You can do anything. But at no point should you ever think that you can be RESPONSIBLE for someone else’s actions.
It simply is NOT a REALITY.
You can make sweet passionate love to your wife. But that doesn’t mean that she’ll somehow “magically” or “conditionally” not have some burning twisted sexual fantasy (of some situation in which you will NOT participate in).
You can ask your spouse to stop yelling at the children and say “Honey, listen to what you’re saying” until you are blue in the face. But that does not mean that she will actually stop.
You can ask a church to stop biting off any and every rumor that they hear & embracing that gossip as their own absolute and definitive truth. But under no circumstances should you ever think that you have to simply live with their lie. You are not responsible for anyone’s actions except your own.
You can “put up a fence”, as Pastor Rick said, to “keep the poop out of your yard”. But that doesn’t mean that your wife won’t put her own crap on the front yard to stink up the neighborhood.
Guys, you can go to counseling, but that doesn’t mean that you have to feel bad & blame yourself when she refuses to go with you.
You can lovingly teach and instruct your children on how to diffuse explosive situations in the home. But under no circumstance are you responsible, nor should you feel guilty if your spouse refuses to keep those explosive delusions under control. They are responsible for their actions – not you.
Guys, a lot of you need to stop beating yourself up.
When you open your phone bill and realize that the wife is texting someone else at 1 am, and you’ve done everything possible, you’ve prayed, you’ve asked for counseling, you’ve gone to therapy, you’re being attentive, you’re providing, you’re being receptive and sensitive to her needs – both emotionally, sexually, and physically, ………
……..you need to stop listening to anyone & anything that says, “It’s your fault”. Her affair is NOT your fault. You can lead. But that doesn’t mean anyone else will come with you.
When you’ve begged her to go to counseling year after year after year, when you’ve said, “We need to get family counseling or we need to spend some time apart”, after you’ve gone and talked to the Family Pastor at church for a month, if you tell your spouse “Hey look, I’ve been going to counseling & I’d like to invite you to come to counseling together.”, when you pay for a licensed therapist outside of church even…. and she launches into another delusional attack mode against you,
stop blaming yourself. Stop wondering what you could have done differently. Your job, with everything you know to do, is to lead.
That’s it.
Leave it at that.
Don’t accept blame for something you cannot be responsible for.
NEVER accept someone else’s lie.
You are not responsible for anyone but you.
I am responsible for no one but me.